My ugly duckling story

 

As a kid the last thing i pictured myself doing when i grew up was being a model. I was physically & mentally abused growing up & from elemetary school through highschool, i was teased in every possible way you can imagine. Kids would throw a tissue at me and say wipe the crap marks off your face. My clothes, shoes, & body was constatly the target for kids to go for since my grandparents couldnt afford nice clothes. I wasnt the girl that was asked out to prom so I know exactly how it feels to not fit in.

What people fail to realize is that in a way its an advantage that was given to us. I know it seems crazy but take me as an example, because i was always broken down it made me humble, I learned how to use my personality instead of what i looked like. I was always at the bottom which let me meet & accept all different kind of people as i rebuilt myself. Ofcourse it sucked growing up this way & it wasnt easy at all.

Here is where people let their past define them, when they believe other peoples opinions of themselves. Let that broken feeling turn into compassion for others, What you believe about yourself is what you are, Start over if you have to. Fall in love with your personality, I still do to this day. I learn new things about myself that i never did before because i allowed other to tell me who i was. Love your good qualities & laugh at the bad. People will start to love you when you love yourself. I know its cliche but it could be more on point. I went through hell growing up but i took back control of my life & I'm grateful i did. Whatever your story is, take the lessons you've learned & let go of the rest. We are given a new day to start fresh, which doesn't mean keep doing the same thing that hasn't worked for you, its a new day to take the lessons you've learned and continue to grow as a person.



Fall more in love with yourself everyday & everyone else will follow.


Evelyn Martinez
Life Coach

One of my Favorite quotes!!!

“That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”-Paulo Coelho

Live, Laugh, Love

My theory on life is this, Live each day as if you were going to die tomorrow because DIEING is the one guarantee there is in life. When we are taken from this earth is unknown, unless you end your life which is just a shame to do. Who cares what religion says, your death sentence is unknown so enjoy life however you want! stop basing your life on what a book says that was written by an unknown source, This is all we know , Period!!!! & if you need religion to tell you whats right & wrong then sorry you are not human. Love everyone I mean EVERYONE, even if they are not the nicest person out there. Trust me the world changes with the start of just one person. This world lacks love, How do we expect to stop the madness when we wont start with the only person we are able to change? Do not judge, Laugh at the mistakes, faults, personalities, & issues that makes us all human. Everyone screws up, own your mistakes, learn from them, & laugh them off. Share your stories, we all need to feel like we are not the only humans living in this made up world where we are expected to be perfect, which is soooo overated anyway. Give when you can & take when you are offered, Like when your grandparents told you it was rude to not accept something you were offered when you were a guest in someones house. OK maybe just my grandparents said that but I this its a good point so dont be afraid to take. Life is about balance, its okay to give just as much to recieve. Embrace the bad days, we all have them. There are good days and bad, be grateful for the good and make the most of the bad. & finally ADJUST!!! Life changes, we should know that by now. Live for one reason, to simply live ! I guarantee those changes become less scary when we hold onto nothing but enjoy everything.



xoxo,
Evelyn Martinez
Life Coach

Just when you feel your all alone, Life stands next to you & shows that its all you need

Some nights when I'm alone and the day has gone all wrong, I close my eyes and let the tears build up. I release them when no one is looking and a hard cry is all that comes out. I keep it together & strength is what people see in me. They don't know how much I breakdown inside but its not there fault for, breaking down is a self inflicted pain that cant be fixed by anyone other then me, Life knows what its doing. It purposely keeps me away from playing victim. I was made to handle this lonely ride even though lonely is an unfair choice of word, I cry & cry but then sure enough something grabs my attention each time reminding me how beautiful life really is & that pain i felt is only a cut caused by influences around me. I close my eyes and feel the energy surrounding me & at that moment all the bad just seems so small. I break down too, But life always knows exactly how to pick me right back up, wipe my tears & keep me fighting to spread its purpose. Lonely only has meaning if we allow it too. Next time you breakdown, open yourself to the world picking you back up, It always does, we just don't value it enough to see it.

Death does not end your story, Forgetting Life does!

With every new life born, one is taken away. The new life is celebrated while the loss life is mourned. What a vicious cycle we have trapped ourselves in, When allowing one to be good & the other to be bad. Yes, Death sucks but its part of life, it comes with the title of being human. As I try to point out in most of my blogs, Life keeps going whether we are ready for it or not. I have seen many deaths in my career and tried as hard as I could to stop this inevitable event. ER was a great show but far from reality, I can count on one hand how many people I have "saved" at the time & 0 people who have actually lived long enough  to see the outside of a hospital.  What I couldnt stop asking myself each time I performed CPR on someone's 90 year old grandma is whats the point ? Hear me out I'm not heartless, I promise. The truth is grandma is 90 years old and is probably ready to die, I mean the lady lived a long life, Why am I pounding on her chest dumping drugs in her body & exposing her to being a show for neighbors & strangers to watch, when the outcome is probably one that will not turn out so good. Of course its always the family pushing to save her but in my years of being in this field I must say its probably one of the most selfish acts humans do. It drives me insane to see people on life support or stuck to a bed their whole life & the family cant let them go because they are not ready to accept it. Ask yourself, if a machine was breathing for you & You had no ability to do anything for yourself but lay in a bed and crap in your diaper, would you want to be kept alive ? Death is never going away, why are letting it destroy us before it knocks at our door ?

Life is simple, we are born then we die. Enjoy life now! Love those who love you & forget the emotional attachments we hold onto. Let people live however they want to whether you agree or not. Embrace them for who they are, their mistakes, accomplishments, & indivduality. Do not waste your time on the stuff they did wrong & what you did right, does it really matter? Do the things you want to do, even if that means being a little selfish, in the end our story is the only one we get to own. Live to be free, not for people, status, material objects, or anything at all. How can you be happy that way, when there is no secure thing that brings you happiness? Well think about it, happiness is no longer limited. The happiness is all around you everyday, as long as you look past your comfort zone.

People die & one day you will too. The only ones who can say they would like their families to stop their lives after its our time to go, are the one who cant share their own story because they have not started living yet. Your story is not your struggles or how hard you worked to move on in life, in fact your story is not even about you. A character in the story of life is who we are & the chapters are the survivors that make it long enough to learn how to create a new chapter. How do you want your story? The story of many chapters, settings, experiences & foreshadowing, that end up becoming a series, Or a story with one chapter, one character & one ending.

There's always an ending, Why waste the pages by skipping to the last page? 


Life is your author, You are the main character, The journey along the way is your Table of contents, & Death is your Publisher ~Evelyn Martinez~

Judgment : We are destroying eachother and our exsistince

Judgment, what a powerful word that has taken Lives, Dreams, Innocence, & Hope. We worry about donating money to charities or traveling to other countries to volunteer our time & the sad part is we really believe we make a difference by materialistic value when thousands of people are right outside our front door suffering the greatest suffering of all, Human acceptance. What, did you not know the fear of those around you, of living with pain from the rejection of society? The pain of a child who cried after school each day for not looking like what society considers normal, The devastation of "mentally ill" people who wish they knew how to accept treatment without feeling like they are an outcast of this world. How about all the lives that can not stand to be around us anymore, they rather Take their own life then live with such intolerable pain caused by our opinions and judgment, Which has silently destroyed them as we ignore, until it makes the headlines of the news. That's right, We don't stop to stand up for what it is right unless society shows approval, then we run to the rescue of a dead child that had to hang himself in order to get someone to notice. Then we protest, make campaigns, donate & start foundations for a couple days until we get bored or feel we have "donated" enough of our time or money. Lets not forget the money we are donating to the lower class because they need funding and assistance, while the hardworking Americans go to work everyday, make just enough money to put food on the table and pay their bills each month but are told they make to much money to qualify for financial assistance while their kids cant afford clothes society has made acceptable that month. How do we explain that to our kids? That they should not hate their parents for the cruelty of the other kids because their parents go to work everyday in order to support them, even though some months don't always put a descent meal on the table, the government wont provide assistance unless they stop working and do not make anything of themselves. Those are the only people who deserve help and having enough to survive by the sacrifice of your parents, is all you will ever know.


Not enough to open your eyes to our destruction? Lets keeping going then, the confusion and frustration of our generation who belong to religious group and are banned from thinking for themselves and raising them to close off their minds to everyone who might give them something to spark their curiosity. Of course, the amount of different religions out in this world today must really prove how right the theory of only one religion is, and limiting the life of another human beings in the beautiful country of America the Free, is the true messages we seem to be so stupid to acknowledge. Lets keep hating religions and people with different beliefs because a book that no one knows where it really came from says so.

The destruction of this world is not because God is punishing us, Wake up, Take responsibility for your actions. Stop limiting people from living life the way it was intended, You do not know and holding on to opinions whether society, religious or political, is destroying humanity. Show kindness and compassion to those around you, break the circle for once. Who cares if they are still living the life they were living, at that point there is no specific way of living so the pressure of judging is non exsistint. What are we fearing? the creation of humanity working together & comming up with something bigger then we ever have imagined. Something that might have been kept from us without us knowing? What a failure to those brilliant minds who discovered the beauty of this world is far more then we are allowing it to be. People have discovered electricity, cars, & Technology we never could've imagined and we are sitting here killing each other because of the ignorance of our false reality. Survival is not religion, status, your clothes, or your most valued possessions. Humans have proven evolution through history, since when did we decide to end the story with us? Who said extinction was only possible in every other creature but us. Remember populating does not guarantee survival. Open your eyes, how easy is it to maintain a family in today's world anyway? 

Love me for my journey for I stand next to you, not behind!

Why do you feel the need to change who I am?

Is it because you cannot understand that my scars are my story.

My scars are worn with pride for I have survived.

What you see as pain are lessons I have learned.

I do not feel the same way you do or share the same emotions,

But do not make me feel like there is something wrong with me.

I admire the beauty of the life you were given but it’s not my path to walk on.

I do not hold value to your reality for it is yours.

I am ok with my path and do not need to be saved.

I feel bad for you that you cannot embrace our differences,

You see a broken girl who needs fixing for you would have broken with one day in my shoes

I am not stronger then you for we are both of the same kind.

What I am is privileged to have been broken, for I have learned to not value what you allow to break you.

Do not take away my individuality to fulfill your insecurities.

I do not have what you do, but I do not need it as much. 

I am not selfish like you say, I am self-reliant. 

You cannot take care of what I have already taken care of,

If I accept your help do not think you control me

I will not be a victim to your insecurities; do not become another scar to be told.

I love who I am, I worked hard to stand on my own two feet even if in your eyes I have nothing.

Love me for my journey for I stand next to you, not behind           

The reaction you get is not bitter; it’s my 0 tolerance for a limited life

I was meant to see the world for what it is, I will not be limited to your reality.

Your emotions are your ignorance; your ignorance is not appealing to me.

Release your opinions or release me

The ones who are left standing have adapted to life, Keep up or you will be left.

You break easy and you dare say I’m the one who needs saving?

Release Blame & Embrace Self Compassion

Its easy to blame others for things they did not do or could have done better. Many of us who grew up in unstable homes or abusive ones, suffer a lot of damage that follows us into our adult years. We are confused and angry leaving us in a destructive circle. Some of us blame others and live life wondering what if, and searching for what was taken away from us while others, Act like they are fine allowing their relationships in life to effect them without knowing why. Whether you have been throwing a pity party or living with ignorance, the circle still keeps us trapped in confusion. We have good days and then we have really bad days. The world misinterprets us and we shelter ourselves even more, when the only thing we are doing is not allowing ourselves to live freely.

The pain we feel from our prior experinces can be to much to handle. Self compassion is the only thing that can break us from whatever is holding us back not self pity. The difference is self compassion is understanding what was taken away from us or not nurtured in our developmental years. Self pity does this but keeps us feeling bad and trapped. Self compassion allows us to understand them and take back responsibility from those who were responsible but failed in their role. Its to acknowledge this without placing blame. We do not know why they failed their responisibilities and to try and figure it out leads to dissapointment. Its not our place to worry about others actions even if we are just trying to look for closure. The reality is sometimes they do not even know themselves the answers to these questions. Searching for what we missed out in others, not only puts pressure on people who enter our lives but keeps us feeling empty inside. The emptiness is not what we are missing its a feeling of not knowing who we are and trying to find it in others.

At the end of the day we can only hold responsible our actions since its the only ones we have control over. When you release trying to hold others to their mistakes it let us take back our life and the possibilities are endless. At that point you become your own parent, teacher, and friend. You have the power to continue your life the way you want it. Even when abandonment or trauma have been part of your story, you still can get through that and live the way you deserve. The world is not responsible for what has happened to us and will not understand us. It will give us the beauty it has to offer only, whether we choose to live and enjoy it is on us.


Evelyn Martinez
Life Coach

Dear, Little one

Dear little one, 
                 I know I haven't paid much attention to you, Its been a rough time in this cruel adult world. I had to protect us and make sure you were OK. I must tell you little one I am not OK despite my victories. I did not cry, hurt, or give up, I took my emotions and told them they weren't welcomed. I did not know they were you trying to remind me you were still there. I know I dismissed you but you still were not strong enough to understand this life. I forget you are there sometimes and don't see how much you are hurting since i have leaned how to survive and ignoring you was the only way i could. 
no one taught you how to deal with disappointments, tragedies, and loss. I left you because

The truth about Success & Failure

Following your passion is a phrase that has been around for ever, but has it been a cliche? How many people really follow there true passions? Its very likely that many people tend to settle for a career that is secure. What happens to people who do not fulfill their destiny is self destruction. Think about the doctors, lawyers, and other careers that are considered successful today, Why are some a lot more successful in their profession then others ? The answer we are given is one that i feel is part of the false reality we are enslaved to. If you are not successful at what you do, its because you are not trying hard enough. What a demeaning piece of advice that statement is and an over rated one at that. News flash guys if that was really true, it would have worked by now. Now is their a different side of this statement that is absolutely true, well of course. A successful person didn't make this up for the pleasure of watching us fail like a bunch of morons, OK, maybe but what has really seemed to happen throughout the years is the perception of the meaning behind the words, were based on the success leaving out the importance of the passion( No, "he is successful because he had passion to succeed", is not the answer to that question and if that crossed your mind, thank you for adding to our ignorance, don't worry I did to once, Im allowed to make fun of you :).). We took the answer and forgot to include the whole picture as well.

Lets break it down in a way we can finally embrace the true meaning of what was intended.

Without being an elegant woman, Men will always suck !!!!!

The meaning of being a woman has changed into something that really does not symbolize the beauty of a woman at all. Its incredible the progress that women have achieved throughout history, Women have shown how strong and driven they could be. While women are capable of much more then child bearing and playing Susie homemaker, The femininity seemed to get lost during the transition. What makes a women so beautiful is her elegance and mystery. Yes, women are independent and capable of achieving many things but a woman should still be proud enough to carry herself with elegance and class. Is it really necessary trying to out due a man to prove a point? Its like a man competing with us about doing his hair and nails better then we ever could, weird right ? well unfortunately there are straight men that do this and what a turn off that is(unless you like that kind of thing). Of course I'm

Religion vs Human nature

Before I begin this article I would like to begin with a little insight on how I grew up. Religion was a must in my house. I was raised Roman Catholic and a very good one at that. Church every Sunday, confession once a week, every catechism class was never missed and I was an alter server for 6 years. So I can comfortably say I understood the idea of religion even if I did not want to. I always did what I was told and followed the rules. What I did not understand was why it was so important. I remember when I was about 10 years old my friend had invited me to her church, she was Christian and I didn’t know the difference at the time but the word “church” meant a whole hour of boring. I agreed to go anyway and hoped it would go by quick since my church was draining enough.

Trying to understand the struggles of others, is a silly attempt to trying to understand life

We all, at some point in our lives have experienced some type of "bad" experience that has affected us in one way or another. Some experiences are worse then others, but it doesn't take away from the fact that it affects us all in different ways. Many people wonder why some of us go through rougher times then others and that question seems to always be asked when a "good" person experiences rougher times then others. The answer to such a mystery is really no mystery at all. Life does not pick and choose who will get the losing hand of the deck, it simply deals you your hand and whatever way you choose to play your hand is totally up to you. We dig and dig for explanations to questions that simply have none. Its a waste of time to consume your energy on WHY you got dealt a crappy hand instead of HOW your going to play the hand you were dealt.  sometimes you put on a poker face and make due of your hand and see how far it can get you and sometimes your wise enough to fold and sit this one out until next round, either way you make due. Life is no different, there is no changing what

Love is simply Love!!!!

We all have experienced a breakup. Some have been worse then others. Love is not like the movies. Love is not fairytales and happy endings. Hang in there its not all negative. I say that love is not like the movies because it really isn't, we forget that love is a universal feeling. Its a feeling of closeness and a connection to another human being. Its a beautiful thing to love, Infact it is so beautiful that we love more then just people. We love food, animals, clothes, music and so on. OH admit how many times have you associated love with penne ala vodka or a pair of jimmy choos. My point is Love comes in many forms but is still Love. At some point we have attached the beauty of love with expectations, Limits, Desires, and self interest. Like all of my theories love is no different. we do not have control of such a powerful neutral response. Its simple, WE LOVE. its not suppose to be perfect or a man made love story. Love doesn't have titles or endings. It just simply loves. Have you ever had an ex that for some reason even after the breakup you still loved the person? ever asked why? well here is goes, Love doesn't know ending or disappointment because it never expects. It loves because that's its purpose. We have tried to control this power in us because imagine a world where we let love simply be love? Man what a world that would be. To love everyone as an individual and accept who they are without any pressure to be who we want them to be. I get amazed at the people who loose them self at the sight of love. Who forget who they are to please someone else. Would you call that love? I call that escape, the two can be very similar yet totally different. True love has no motive, no intentions but to be just what it is . Heres an example, think about the people in your life who have been there no matter what life has dealt you. The one who stood by your side when the world was guiding in you in a different path then the one accepted by society. Those people seem to be the ones who stand out right ? Well thats the purpose of love. Obviously we connect with people on a more intimate level that make our feelings different but do we love them differently? I would say no. Intimacy has its own set of emotions that are associated with love but are not love. I try not to laugh but i'm allowed because I have been one of these people, but i get a kick when people say " how could he do this to me after all i have done for him"?. Well heres the thing unless a gun was pointed at you, no one forced you to do what you wanted to do. If the outcome does not go your way its your problem not theirs. Since when did love owe you anything? since when did we come up with the idea that if you do something for someone they automatically must be cold hearted because they didn't give you what you wanted? Do not take the power of an individual away because they decided to follow a different path then yours. Have you ever wondered why after a break up we are so devastated yet somehow with time move on and love again? Its simple so prepare yourself, Devastation comes from an expectation not being fulfilled and met. Devastation does not come from love, actually it has nothing to do with love. So once we finally get over it we move on why ? because love has no ending or expectations.

Lets get interesting now. We live in very different times and man have they become complicated. with the opportunities out there humans cant help but want to explore the possibilities. Marriage is far from the old days when forever really meant forever. now i'm not saying we should not hope to find such a beautiful thing but take some things in consideration like the simplicty our grandparents got to live. The only thing exciting was coming home to the one thing that was always exciting and not always in a good way but hey something is better then nothing right ? now look at today and how much we have expanded and grown from that time period, look at how much more we are able to accomplish today. Should we fault a person for wanting to do what is in there nature to do. To explore a beautiful world that was given to us to do just that. Heres another question, have we ruined the power of love because we have not adjusted to new times? We have had this idea planted in us that love should be a certain way and yes at the time it was a great idea because it worked then. Today we cant expect that concept to work. Here is where people get confused, As much as love is beautiful it should not restrain a person to a certain expectation. It should not limit there life because they chose to share there life with yours. Relationships today should be more flexible to allow a person to be who they are. It should allow change and growth . Love has no ending so it keeps going and we are left behind. I am a hard working woman who loves her independence. Am i not lovable because i rather work towards my dreams then stay at home and deal with brats, I mean kids. Am I not lovable because i'm not what you pictured a wife to be ? Should i instead become who you want me to be because thats what LOVE is ? So sorry but unless you want a nagging wife all day I suggest you let me be me just as I am. 

We don't owe anyone anything and neither do they owe us. if it doesn't work out then hey , it was fun while it lasted. And if it does it means you didn't have to compromise who you were. There weren't any motives or intentions behind the relationship it simply was and let you simply be you. Obviously respect needs to be a great part in a relationship and i'm not saying we shouldn't change the bad things about us in order to have a healthy relationship, but you deserve to explore whatever paths you like as much as your partner in life, thats why they are a partner not a hostage. (cheating is not a path to explore just to clarify any misinterpretations) If relationships adapted to new times and based love on love we would not have the need to attach our own disappointments to another person. We love whether we agree or not. We love because its simple. Don't mix love with expectations. It only ruins the beauty of loving someone for who they are. If they don't stay after a 5 course meal and a night of some hanging off a chandelier honkey honkey then maybe they just weren't meant for you. Embrace who you are and be confident enough to allow someone to be who they are. If you base your relationship on the simplicity of love then maybe forever can still be forever ! 

Girl Talk Therapy.... Available NOW!!!!!

www.coachtoloveandfreedom.com

A Life Coach that "Gets It"

Times have changed and i get that, I work hard, love hard , and struggle "hard" but when i had my ahaa moment, I found the strength to act on it and view life the way i should have, and not the way i felt. I will guide you to your own ahaa moments and help you turn those moments into goals, emotional freedom, and the power to Live, and let Live. My guide comes from my pain, loss, abandonment, struggles, fears, devastations, and also my love, achievements, gains, strengths, and understanding! I was able to live! Its time for you to LIVE!

 

People have managed just fine in the past without a life coach. So in one sense, noone really needs a life coach, but many people want one! One of the reasons there is a growing demand for life coaching is the complexity of modern day life. Things aren't as simple as they were in the past. And, whereas your parents might have been happy to have a job that paid the bills, most people today want a job that is personally fulfilling and financially rewarding. They want to find love in a world so complicated, where love is selfish,They give there all and then they blame themselves as if they are to blame that it didnt work out. Are you doing what you most enjoy? Are you tolerating or putting up with anything? Is life easy or are you struggling? Are you on the path to independence? Do you have what you really want? Most people can expect a lot more out of their lives.Life coaches have experienced these same situations, some have learned by themselves that it really was not that bad, Some also wish they had a life coach during those moments because life would have been much more easier!.... okay maybe its just me..... Life is not simple until your able to completely let go.

 

 

For more information please visit my website www.coachtoloveandfreedom.com I promise to deliver a coach that will help guide you to the life you always wanted. Everyone is different & thats what makes my techniques so unique and effective. I personalize each guide based on YOUR personality and goals!

Evelyn Martinez
Life coach
coachtoloveandfreedom@gmail.com

coachtoloveandfreedom.com

Curiosity, Gift or a curse?

A gift or a curse?

Since I can remember, I have always been very different then many. I was always trying to figure out the world and understand everything that was going on around me. I loved so innocently my whole life, no matter how hurt I felt. I felt more for others then I did for myself . In my younger years I never really thought anything of it , to me it was normal to feel close to everyone I came in contact with. I wouldn’t know you from a hole in the wall but if you wanted to play, we were best friends. It seems that I have carried that over into adulthood as well. Everyone has something to share and I love learning about them.

Life teaches people to become harder and jaded in order to protect themselves from pain. Society teaches people to only accept people who are acceptable. I have to say that those life lessons never really stuck with me, if anything they were just too much work. Of course I have had heart break and disappointments but it never discouraged me. Many people would call it vulnerable or weak but I have to tell you there is nothing weak over here giggles. What I’m trying to say is those feelings have never stuck around enough to effect who I was. I loved being kind and fun. I love the idea of love and caring. Those feelings are natural and easy in a sense. Anger, fear, and resentment were never appealing to me and drained me just thinking about them. Trust me as nice and sweet as all this sounds, it was nowhere near easy going through teenage years with rainbows and unicorns. I experienced the rejection from kids who were probably a lot meaner than adults are. I was teased and picked on my whole life. I never understood what was wrong with me, I just wanted to be everyone’s friends and yea that wasn’t at all what I was accomplishing. For some time I felt very lost, I knew I didn’t deserve to be the outcast but I just didn’t understand why. I never really hated those kids to be honest. I wanted to understand them. I think that was more my curiosity then my caring nature. I was less interested in the fact that I was being teased but more interested in why. Well since that wasn’t going to be a question I found an answer too at that moment, I did the only other I could do and started to internalize. It was constant questions about myself over and over. If I couldn’t figure them out, I was going to figure me out. Someone had to suffer the curiosity I had, Unfortunalty that someone was me.

I was one lost puppy in this world and after years of constant rejection and never fitting in, made my compassion grow more. I know doesn’t really make sense until I did what I always do and started getting curious so digging I went. I came up with the theory that because it was already in my nature to feel for people, the internalizing period of constant beating myself up made me realize how much pain a human can suffer and I didn’t want anyone to have to feel that. I went through physical and verbal child abuse until the age of 11. It never really made me angry as most child abuse kids would be. I felt sadness, can’t really say it was sadness for myself in fact Sadness was never really about me , It was always more of a compassionate sadness if I had to describe it but never really about me.

I seemed to always be this way. Even though, I didn’t have a mother and I was taken away from my father due to abuse, I never felt bad about it. My grandfather was my only guidance and he was one old school Colombian man. There was nothing womanly or nurturing about him, so that part was non existing, but I always knew he loved me even if it wasn’t in your traditional loving way. He always showed his love in his own way, even though I could not see it at the moment, I always felt It. He didn’t say I love you or hugged much for that matter but somehow I knew. Knowing is still different from understanding especially when I would see how parents were with other kids. It was a very frustrating feeling , not that I wanted the same as the kids around me, but more of a fustration of knowing he loved me, but not understanding why he didn’t show it like all the other parents did. It wasn’t until my adult years that I understood he was showing me love the only way he knew how. His love was just as strong as the love of the parents that hugged and said I love you to their kids. It became priceless knowing that, he didn’t need to show his affection physically in order for me to feel it. He always knew I was different and didn’t worry as much about me as he did for my sister. Of course a little jealousy was felt but my sister needed it a lot more than I did. She experienced a lot of abuse and rejection as well and it affected her a lot more than it did me. It wasn’t that he had a favorite, that old man knew that I was going to be just fine .

I viewed everything around me as a teacher. Music, TV, people, kids, animals, and so on was all my teachers. Maybe it was not having that one person that you look for when you need guidance, as sad as that might sound, it really wasn’t. I was able to look for guidance from everything and everyone. I was able to choose what I wanted to take from each experience because it worked for me. I think that is a gift in a way. I never had anyone there to guide me but I was able to find exactly what Evelyn wanted at a very young age. I struggled and questioned a lot sooner than others but it has made being an adult so much easier. If you ask me adulthood sucks wayyyy more than childhood so I’m not complaining.

So is it a gift or a curse? Well I guess it depends on how you look at it or how I feel that day. I say a gift that was wrapped in barb wire and sand paper but once opened contained the beauty of life. The true beauty in this world, which many can’t see because of barb wires and sand paper. Why a curse? A curse because as beautiful and simple as I see the world, its hard understanding exactly how to use it. So I guess that’s my next adventure to satisfy my curiosity , I know I was given something beautiful but how do I understand it well enough to know exactly what I am supposed to do with it ?

Survival personality may not always be effective

Have you ever had to always depend on yourself to survive? Have you succeeded in life because rough times were not an excuse to give in? If yes, congratulations for being a bad ass. Life can give you enough storms to break down a house. Many people focus on the broken houses instead of the ones still standing. It’s our nature to help those who are broken but what about the one’s still standing? Have you ever stopped and checked on the ones that look ok? Many have not because if it seems ok, then it must be, right? Wrong! I have experienced many people who always keep it together and appear to be ok. From my personal experience I can say that sometimes the strongest people are the ones who break down the hardest. It’s admirable to be strong when the world would have expected you to fall, but its unhealthy when you forget that you still need to fix the damage that has been done. Many of us learn survival mode is the only way because it has made us get through things that many can’t. What we fail to realize is that the damage only gets worse if it is not repaired, causing us to shatter when we reach our limit. I have been on such survival mode that I kept missing my path because it wasn't the path that was secure enough for me. It eventually led me to a dead end and self-destruction. I realized how important it is to learn how to control my survival instinct. I embrace being a survivor but I also embrace being human. Dependence of survival takes away the path of living.

Little messages we miss

Would this have ment something to you ?

A couple days ago I was sitting at the little cafe in barnes and nobel. I have been under a little stress these couple days so I seemed to be in my own little world. I was on my laptop and very focused on my research. I see an old man start walking towards me. He comes up to me and says "excuse me miss I need your help". Ofcourse I said, absolutley what can I do for him. He hands me 2 birthday cards and says "I need help picking out which birthday card is the best one to get for my daughter, can you please read them both as if you were my daughter and tell me which one you would like a father to give you. At this point everyone was staring at us but I was honered in a way and didn't care who looked. I read both cards and chose the card I liked the best. The old man was so happy and we chatted for a minute. He left with a smile on his face and before he left he said "you have something that many people don't". I went back to my work shortly after. At the moment I did not realize what had happen but as the day went on I found myself thinking about that moment when I started feeling stressed. He will never know what he did for me but for the first time i felt a very warm feeling of love from a father. It wasn't ment for me but it was something I needed at that time. For many it probably wouldn't have ment much but that moment is one that I will always hold dear to my heart. Sometimes we forget to open our eyes to the little things and we miss the little messages that are sent to us.

Emotional Jouney

Time and time again i found myself constantly asking myself why? Why is this happening to me or why did this happen to me ? I never understood that i was asking the wrong questions my whole life. Everyone seemed to always have all the answers except me. I was always told to move on and get over it, but even though that helped for the moment it seemed to only make me questions things more. I came from a very traumatizing childhood, Mom passed away when i was one from drugs and alcohol and my stepfather was physically and emotionally abusive. There are many of us out there with a story tell. But for me, it was a hard realization that I was the only one that could change my future. I know easier said then done ! and it seemed that I knew I was able to change how emotionally effected i was by my childhood but I just didnt know how, even if they painted a picture for me , emotionally i just couldn't budge. Its like a part of me just didn't know how and I'm pretty sure many people feel this way. How do I love myself ? How do i forgive ? How do I enjoy my life ? Well for me the answer began when I changed my questions. Instead of "why is this happening to me"? I started asking "what am I doing to continue to let this happen''? instead of ''How do i love myself''?
I started asking "what about me don't i love" ? When i started changing the way I viewed my situation I felt hope. I had to hit rock bottom to be able to start my emotional healing journey but it doesn't have to lead up to so much devastation. I know how hard it is to have to tell yourself that everything you have been doing your whole life to cope is wrong, because you have known nothing else and noone has ever shown you different. But from experience i can assure you that the moment you take the first step to change the way you see yourself, no matter how hard it may seem , I promise you that it is such a liberating feeling. Whatever someone else failed to do for you , you just did it for yourself. Its a journey that may seem long and difficult but i promise you its not. I myself am still on that journey and believe that we all need someone who can understand how we feel at the moment because anyone can just tell you how to move on but unless you have lived it you cant truly understand the emotions we face on a daily basis.

Learn from everything around you. Humans are only part of the puzzle. We can only learn so much if we limit ourselves. Look around you and embrace eachday as a new chance to learn. Learn from the trees, they can't speak but look how year after year they adapt to change. They are beautiful and full of leaves however, they become stripped from there beauty every winter. Somehow they still stand strong and tall and wait patiently for their time to blossom again. Everything around us has a story to tell. Sometimes we just have to adjust our listening skills.

Evelyn Martinez
Life coach